My Return To Prison

The Journey

Original art by Anne Ashton

Prints and Giclees available upon request

Saturday I will walk back into a prison.

I'm different now in so many ways.

It’s truly amazing how God used a prisoner to set me free.

I certainly do not understand this journey through the prison system.

I've been locked in a windowed room with 2 juvenile male inmates inside a maximum-security facility. One didn’t know what the word “nourished” meant. His soul, his spirit, his emotions were never nourished by a loving family much less the God of love.

I've been locked in a room with almost 300 adult male inmates some of which had multiple life sentences, all were tatted, most worshipped in that maximum security chapel - not a guard was present. One man I met was sentenced to 124 years. He looked me in the eye and said, “Tell them (the people in the free) that we are grateful for their prayers. Tell them thank you for remembering us.”

I've watched women who have been walking in freedom for a short while stand before a judge and peacefully receive handcuffs because they skipped parole or failed the drug test they thought they could pass. In an instant they were barred from family, work, and life. Their cell was waiting in the back.

I stood in the courtroom hall, united with a prostitute against a plea bargain then waited weeks to hear the jubilant call that all charges were dropped, only to have her relapse months later into bondage. Years passed with no communication on her whereabouts. One day, unannounced, she showed up at my door and collapsed in my arms distraught because a year had passed since her teenage daughter had died from a heroin overdose.

I've been locked in with juvenile girls who have recently been released from prison. In that setting the locks kept people out as opposed to keeping the girls in. The bars on their emotions were clearly visible. They were descendants of drug dealers, users, abusers and victims. One was “broken” with consent from her dad who stood near. If home is a scary place imagine the world beyond the deadbolt.

I've walked alongside those who seem to be still locked up even though they walk among the free. I’ve seen them fail. I’ve seen them succeed. I’ve seen them return to their own vomit. I’ve come to realize it’s not vomit to them.

I have lived with one who was released and no longer comes around.

I thought my prison journey was over. I so wanted it to be. It's too hard. It's too painful. It's too dark. It's too much.

BUT GOD!

His ways are sweet. His call is gentle. His burden is light.

Saturday stares my heart in the face.

God has a message He wants me to share with 250 incarcerated adult women. I pray that as I am locked in, the Spirit of God sets us free. 

I wonder if the wounds from my journey have healed enough (I've needed lots of help to heal). Can my heart love these hurting souls? Have my walls of self-protection crumbled so the Spirit of God can flow freely? Can I move out of the way enough so all they see is Jesus?

This I know for sure- Only God can set a prisoner free and I long to see that day.

Pray for me if you feel led. Pray for them. Pray for the team that invited me from Hidden Treasures Ministry.

Funny how God used a prisoner to set me free. He can use anyone to bring freedom. I didn't know this at the beginning of the journey. I am different now. I am a prisoner that has been set free and I am compelled to continue on the freedom journey.  

I Am Convinced

Original art by Anne Ashton

I am learning that I do not need to convince anyone of anything. First of all, it doesn’t work. Secondly, it can’t work. I do not have power over anyone to make him or her believe something. You don’t either.

However, the beauty I have found is that I get to be convinced.

I can convince myself.

I can listen, read, watch, experiment, search, wonder, ponder and process anything in life that I choose to spend time pursuing. At the end of the journey, I can be convinced or not. I can believe or not.

I am convinced that gravity exists. I am mostly convinced that the sun will set tonight and rise again tomorrow. I am convinced that babies are beautiful and animals have their place on the earth but not in my home.

I am also convinced that I am called to passionately share my convictions, testimonies and beliefs with the world around me. I find it a beautiful thing to share where I am convinced.

Here’s the discovery- I no longer have to convince others.

Paul (from the Bible) was convinced that nothing could separate us from the love of God that is found in Jesus. Demons can’t. Death can’t. Heights nor depths nor anything can separate us from God’s love. Not even what we have done or didn’t do. Paul is convinced that we are loved. He spent his life passionately sharing where he was convinced. To some, his convictions were the fragrance of life. To others it smelled like death. He wanted all to find life, and he passionately pointed to life, but he didn’t have the power to convince anyone.

People choose their own convictions.

People live from the well of where they are convinced.

I am learning to love those who live in different wells.

Honestly, it’s hard.

My heart is heavy and hurts daily for one who had a front row seat to a well of life. I spent years trying to convince them that the well was filled with life. At the end of the day they have chosen to live out of a different well. They are convinced their well is filled with life. I am convinced what they have chosen is a life doused in radioactive toxins.

I have surrendered convincing.

Instead, I choose to live from a place of rest.

Rest is passionately sharing how I am convinced, but releasing the hear-er (or reader) to choose their own place of where they are convinced.

Jesus said He is the way and the truth and the life. The only way to get to His Dad is through Him. He knew (knows) that to be true. He was (is) passionate about that. Not all were convinced. Even now not all are convinced.

Many are convinced that life is found in a vat of radioactive chemicals.

I am convinced that God’s love continually pursues those that try to convince others as well as those who glow green. I am convinced love never fails. I am convinced that God will complete the good work He started in us. I am convinced that strength is found in surrender and kindness leads to repentance and humility leads to a life of abundant wells!

I am convinced that God loves the one who swims in the well of radioactive material as much as He loves the one who swims in the well of life. I am convinced I have much to listen, read, watch, experiment, search, wonder, ponder and process in learning how to love like God does.

I am convinced I have been given an opportunity to practice love, which begins with surrendering convincing.

Why Do You Look for the Living Among The Dead?

Prophetic Artist- Hannah Atkinson

Used by permission

I had a vision of a *savage scrounging in dusty places inside Death Valley. He was wide-eyed and desperate as he clawed the dirt searching for LIFE. There was none to be found. Then I heard the angels say, “Why do you look for the living among the dead?” (Luke 14:5) He stopped his digging and turned his head toward the voices.

In the next vision I was walking among barren vines. I paused in front of the vine that I had been caring for. No fruit. No life could be seen.

Jesus spoke 2 things to me:

1)  Remember the **fig tree in the Bible? The Gardener said, “Don’t cut it down. Give me a year. I will put fertilizer around it. Come back and if it doesn’t have fruit on it then you can cut it down.”

2) Your reward is not found on this vine. Your reward is secure with me. I AM your great reward.

Perhaps you are sitting at the end of the lane straining to see your Prodigal return. You are not alone. Carry on with your life. Heal. Pray. Grieve. Wait. Hope. Ask, seek and knock on God’s door. Distance is not bad and many times boundaries are necessary. There’s a chasm between you and the prodigal. I get that. True repentance has always been the only way back home. Perhaps fertilizer creates a broken and contrite spirit. Keep your eyes fixed on Jesus, and then fix them again on His gaze. Faith is being strengthened in you. Stand firm. Then stand firm again.

Most importantly, remember that a fruitless vine in Death Valley does not determine your reward! It’s secure in a place where thieves can never get in and steal!

Shalom

*Savage = as a noun it describes a fierce, brutal or cruel person. As an adjective it describes someone who is enraged, or furiously angry. As a verb it describes someone who attacks or criticizes thoroughly or remorselessly.

** “Then he (Jesus) told this parable: “A man had a fig tree growing in his vineyard, and he went to look for fruit on it but did not find any. So he said to the man who took care of the vineyard, ‘For three years now I’ve been coming to look for fruit on this fig tree and haven’t found any. Cut it down! Why should it use up the soil?’ “‘Sir,’ the man replied, ‘leave it alone for one more year, and I’ll dig around it and fertilize it. If it bears fruit next year, fine! If not, then cut it down.’” Luke 13:6-9

The Well of Love

I’ve been walking through a tough season relationally with those that I love and adore. Perhaps you have been too. Perhaps you have lost the adoration and are clinging to love…or maybe not. Sometimes people are super hard to love…and honestly, sometimes so am I.

In an attempt to remind myself to live out Colossians 3:14 I will share 5 tips I have found that will help “…put on love, which binds us all together in perfect unity.” I have yet to master them all, but occasionally I do get it right.

1.  Let’s pretend someone said something or did something that made you angry! The type of anger that consumes your thoughts and makes you call your most empathetic friend to spew all over them. This is the moment to grab your own arm and throw yourself into time-out! It is imperative that you cool down otherwise you will not draw from the well of love. What's the well of love? It's the place where you run to God to heal your hurt and pain. That person who just hurt you is actually someone you love and adore, right? Stop, walk away, and remind yourself of LOVE. Sing praises at the well, give thanksgiving, and fight it out in prayer. Return and respond only AFTER you have found your happy place of love. It’s not easy, but it is doable. I have failed more times than I have succeeded, but the times I can respond to hurt from the well of love I experience victory. When you offer love instead of what you think they deserve you will experience the peace of God flood your heart. However, the other person may not choose your love, which takes us to the next point.
2.    Have you ever been hurt by someone’s words or actions? This is typically the result from rejection. Rejection HURTS and hurt people, hurt people. What if hurt people break the cycle (which is personal responsibility) and take their hurt to the well of love? The TRUTH is that God accepts you. You are loved completely by Him. When you are able to truly grasp that God is for you the other person’s acceptance or rejection of you does not have power to harm. What if you allow them to reject you? What if you don’t force them to accept you? What if hearing their heart becomes the relational purpose, not protecting your own heart from their rejection? Victory is experienced when you no longer need to prove your point.
3. How about when someone is intimidating you? I have had lots of intimidators in my life. When I look at the intimidation as fear it changes everything. What drives out fear? Love drives out fear. I am learning to draw boundaries with intimidators, which typically they do not like. This is the place where I soak myself in the well of love and realize submission to intimidation is not love at all. I have had to say hard things like, “I do not appreciate being spoken to that way.” “That feels like manipulation and control.” “I can’t do what you want me to do.” I love the other person as well as myself to speak truth, however, I will not succumb to their pressure. At the well, I learn to listen to the quiet voice of God. There I can regroup and choose God's way instead of pleasing the voice of intimidation. 
4.  What if someone is believing and doing things that are radically different than your beliefs and values? This is difficult to navigate, however victory is summed up in two words - Unconditional Love! Unconditional love is easier said than done, especially if you do life regularly with this person. Points 1, 2 and 3 above are key in living this out. Lots of time spent in the well of love, boundaries and speaking truth in love are the way through. I have heard a lot about “Just believe the best in someone - that will change everything.” But when I know what I know that I know what the other person is doing and it is not for their good, it’s hard to make my mind think the best of that person. However, the Lord switched things up on me recently. He said, “Anne, I know you can’t think the best about what that person is doing right now, because you know exactly what is going on, but you can pray the best for that person.”  Whoa! One word from the Lord can change everything! Sure enough, I ran to the well of Scripture and started praying awesome things for this person. Although I haven’t seen a shift in their focus yet, everything has shifted in me! I found the well of love where my heart is FOR the person again!
5. Ever have someone’s pain bump up against your pain? OUCH! What I have found is that as uncomfortable as someone else’s junk is I need to go to the well of love and search for reasons why their pain brings up my junk! Typically God is using them to refine me. My heavenly Dad loves to bring beauty to my spirit and sometimes he uses painful people to polish my brass (take that however you choose). I’m a cracked vessel in need of healing too. Without your pain I may never have inspected my pain. I can’t own your pain and I cannot fix your pain. But I do want my pain healed. I do choose to walk through this life seeking wholeness. I want to love myself well and with His help I choose to love you the best I can.

As my heart aspires to live a life in the well of love I have found that I am not perfect. However, God says I am beautiful! He says the same about you. He is not looking for perfection; instead He delights in beautiful hearts set on a pilgrimage where love binds us together in perfect unity. He is perfect. He is love. We are invited to the well and that is enough! 

I Believe Art Heals

I believe art heals.
I KNOW art heals.
How do I know this?
Just look at the image above.
It doesn't look like much to you, does it?
Or...maybe it does.
God used this image to heal a 45+ male.
Here's the story.

I was painting in a room with other artists. People come to this place to get prayed for. Most are sick or hurting or hopeless or curious or drawn by some "unknown" reason. They bring their diseases and brokenness to well...broken people who have been filled with love by the Spirit of the Living God. These broken people pray for the broken people and healing happens. I don't understand the exchanges of God but I welcome them. He loves broken people.

I choose to paint with others in the midst of this glorious exchange.

One night I was led to paint a heart. I don't like painting hearts. Everybody can paint hearts. I prefer abstract art. So I did my best to turn it into an abstract heart. I like my art to be void of anything recognizable because it is in the lack of image that meaning is found. Lack of form causes one to slow down, ponder, reflect, gaze, think, listen and hear.

This heart form caused a 45+ broken man to slow down, ponder, reflect, gaze, think, listen and hear.

He shyly stood to the side of the canvas mesmerized. Hesitantly I questioned his interest. His eyes never left the red on white form but slowly words fell out of his mouth.

He stated the obvious at first, "It's a heart."

But then he pressed in closer and pointed to a place at the top right of the heart, "I see my baby."

His words surprised us both. A hush followed. God's Spirit wrapped us in a long silence as we stared at the healing art before us.

I am stilled stunned by the confession that followed.

In the safety of that broken place where people pray and paint he looked me full in the eye and said, "Twenty years ago my baby was aborted."

Water formed on both of our eyes as I asked, "Do you have any idea if it was a girl or boy?"

Immediately he said, "I am almost certain it was a girl."

I asked him, "Did you ever name her?"

"No, I never thought of that." He responded.

Ever so gently I suggested, "Well, you may want to do that. It's powerful when a dad names his child."

The moment ended as he pulled back and said he would but not at this moment. He wasn't ready. He needed space and alone-ness.

I offered the child bearing heart canvas to him as a memorial. He accepted the gift.

I believe art heals. 

I KNOW art heals. 

How do I know this? 

Just look at the image above. 

It doesn't look like much to you does it? 

Or...maybe it does. 

God used this image to heal a 45+ male. 

Warrior Woman

A warrior woman collapsed on the side of the road. She was covered head to toe with sweat and dirt where it gathered into mud in the creases of her furrowed brow. She couldn't take another step forward. She knew she needed to sit, rest and recover. Her breathing slowed and her heart steadied it's pace. A warrior friend came upon her on the road and implored her to get back in the battle. She gave her ammunition and showed her how to use it, but to no avail. The warrior woman had nothing left to give at the moment. Her friend bid her farewell and promised she would be on the front lines on her behalf.

The warrior woman continued to wait. She was still. She lifted her glazed face to the breeze and inhaled deeply. Twenty-four hours passed. Then forty-eight. She knew not what she waited for nor when she would be released from her roadside perch. She continued to exist but didn't strive for more.

Off in the distance she saw a person running into the wind. It was a messenger. In her tightly clasped hand was a paper. She threw herself on the ground next to the warrior woman and uncurled her fingers. No words were exchanged. None were needed. Spread before her was a blueprint stolen from the enemy's camp. Not just any blueprint, but the one showing the enemy commanders snare. She couldn't believe she was seeing the elaborate and deliberate creation of the strongman's deceptive trap. 

Immediately her life flashed before her eyes. She could see how it took years to erect the entrapment. Event upon event, lie upon lie. The enemy used true life happenings and pierced her heart. She had no idea that the small puncture would be all he needed to gain access to wound again and again. It was a wound that became familiar. A wound that grew quietly and so did it's authority and power. With stunning clarity she saw for the first time the chain that bound her to the tower of lies. She realized she wasn't on the side of the road but rather at the top of a tower located in the center of a labyrinth.

Breathless she watched as the chains that bound her fell loudly to the ground. Finally she was free. Never again would she climb the stairs of this place she called home. Her freedom was irrevocable. She felt no shame or condemnation. Her victory had been won. Understanding filled her mind and peace entered her soul while gratitude graced her emotions.

With fresh eyes she looked at the horizon and saw the others fighting for freedom. Her spirit called her forward toward her Beloved. With the blueprint in her pocket, newfound bravery overshadowed her as she ran to join the warriors. She knew she was needed to help free others.