I have to confess, my eyes fell off of Jesus this week…AGAIN!!!! My eyes fell off of HIM and onto my worries and concerns! I think I walked this way for several days before I realized what had happened. The only way I realized that my eyes had gotten off of HIM and onto ME was that my attitude began to stink. It began to stink so much that I could smell myself! I have two teenage football players and they never know they stink after practice until it’s really, really bad! Typically they only notice it when their belongings have remained zipped up in their bags for several days! That’s how badly I think I stunk!!!!
Looking back, I realize that I was irritable, I laughed a whole lot less, I was quick to speak, slow to listen and quickly got angry, (doesn’t James say to do that the other way around? “Be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry!” James 1:19) My eyes were off of The Savior of my soul and consequently my soul began to sour!
When I finally realized what had happened, I had to confess and repent of my bad attitude and actions, however, I found myself following up my confession with the word, “BUT”! “…But, God, you know I am worried about this thing….” “But, Lord, I am tired of waiting…” “But, Father, I can’t…” What I found rising up within me was not peace, BUT anger! I was angry that things weren’t the way that I wanted them to be! I was angry that my situation had not budged even though I was doing all the right things, saying all the right prayers, and walking all the right paths! Frustration finally spewed out of me and onto Jesus as I shouted out in prayer, “BUT, GOD, SOMETHING SHOULD CHANGE!!!! MY SITUATION SHOULD CHANGE!!!!”
You know what I heard? …Nothing! Silence! No response what-so-ever from the King of Kings! AND I didn’t hang around long enough to wait out the stillness to see if there would be a reply! I was fed up!
What fascinates me is that something began to melt in my heart as I poured honesty upon Jesus’ feet! Although it wasn’t sweet smelling, allowing my true emotions to spill out of me and onto Him seemed to awaken hope deep inside of me! As I walked away from the scene, I looked back over my shoulder and finally Jesus came back into view!!!! I ran back to Him and realized that the “BUTS” were all about “ME”! My eyes were on ME! They had fallen off of HIM!!!! True repentance began to take shape in my heart where hardness had reigned just moments before!
As I think of Santa Fe, I realize that there is a possibility that after all of the prayer things may not change; the situation may remain as it is. I also know that there are others who would say, “We just need to speak to this mountain and it will move!” I think back to 8 years ago when I was told that my one year old baby had cancer. Before the surgery, I couldn’t speak to the mountain! I could only surrender my baby into the arms of the One that I trusted! I realize today that THAT moment, was an intense time of worship! I told The Lord, “Whatever you choose…if you choose to keep my baby on earth with me, or if you choose to take him to be with you in heaven or anything else in between, it’s all ok with me, because I trust You!” I was telling the King of Kings that no matter what happened, I would continue to worship HIM! I laid MY concerns aside, so I could lift HIM up!
Standing before this Santa Fe mountain, I am choosing to do the same thing! I want God to know that I will worship HIM no matter how things turn out. If God chooses to breathe new life into this area of ministry, or if He chooses to close it down, I will worship Him!!!!
So, ladies, I have to turn around and ask each of you: Will you worship Him with me no matter how it turns out? Will you lay your own concerns aside so that you can lift Him up? Will you walk your heart through the process of resetting your eyes on Him? Will you join me in worshipping Him now on this side of the mountain not knowing how things will turn out on the other side? Will you surrender your baby into The Everlasting Arms? If so, let us worship Him together, not for what He does but for who He is! May we bow as one before “I AM”!
Oh, and as we put our faces to the ground, I just want you to know that my son is nine now and healthy as ever! Praise be to God!
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